Prepare to Apologize

One body, many souls
Indivisible, so I'm told
Half man, half Steppenwolf
Indivisible, so I'm told

And if you feel nothing is real
Look for the reflection of the moon
On some water far below

One body, many souls
Indivisible, so I'm told
Half man, half Steppenwolf
Indivisible, so I'm told

And when you know nothing's for sure
Look for unfamiliar constellations
On the ceiling of your mind

Some words are better left unsaid
You keep your crimes inside your head
I'm the projector, I am the screen
I will deliver you a dream
So just let go of all your thoughts
And please turn all resistance off
I'll be your space and I'll be your time
We'll turn all your thoughts to crimes

Trauma cat!
Drama queen!

I had a pretty good relationship with Joshua

But when he stopped being a good listener, I called it off

My family never quite forgave me

My friends, they never quite forgave me

After the breakup, I was drinking whiskey heavily

And going home with every pretty girl who'd look at me

There's a time for misbehaving

But I was swimming far beyond the point of saving

It came over me like a wave

Don't save me

When finally I could emerge from my depraved pit

My vision of the world had shed a layer of bullshit

Thoughts resembled cars in traffic

Problems suddenly seemed slapstick

And though my time with Joshua is ancient history

There are moments when his pearls of wisdom come to me

My regrets are few and far between

And though you'd think this might be one, I know the break was clean

It came over me like a wave

Don't save me

What could I do?

I knew I was in love with a ghost

Boston Aquarium, 2008

I was with my Uncle Len and my Aunt Marcy

My cousins Bo and Jake and Little Nancy

We were there to see the sharks and the manta rays

And the ornamental seaweed

Yes, that was all fine and good

You could call it "an excusable American afternoon"

But the day didn't start until we found ourselves at the centerfold

A large tank that stood at the heart of the facility

We sat ourselves on the vacant bench in front of it

And what began as a quotidian bout of small talk and scalp itching

Quickly sublimated into a series of full-body pangs so intensely arousing

That just recounting this story now makes me forget I'm a man at all

Anyway

I remember looking up, and there it was

That gleaming bronze placard that so elegantly read

"Jellyfish"

A curious word, at once one word and two

"A compound," Nancy whispered, wise beyond her two years of age

Then, a playful nudge from Uncle Len

"Jellyfish," he chuckled. "You think there's such a thing as a peanut butter fish?"

Aunt Marcy chimed in, "Do you think other cultures call them 'jamfish?'"

And then Nancy said, "No, Mom, no, Dad, everyone calls them 'jellyfish'"

And it's funny: I had never heard of a jellyfish before in my life

I was maybe, what, 11? 16?

I knew nothing about animals or basic science

But I tell you, I was transfixed

And when I narrowed my gaze through the glass onto one particular specimen

I saw what could only be described as love and magic incarnate

And the way that she moved, she undulated

And the way that she glimmered

She was pinkish-purplish-bluish-yellowish-greenish-brownish-reddish in hue

She was every color in the world

By then, I was standing on the bench

My mouth agape

Once again, Uncle Len turned to me and this time he said

"Look how she swims. That, son, that is called dancing."

And I had—I had never—that was a new word, too

"Dance"

Well, I couldn't stop staring

Maybe legally it was ogling

I stayed looking at her for the rest of our visit

Even as we trudged out the exhibit through the exit gates and back home

The jellyfish never left me

Even after I'd left her

So I made a vow

In 10 years' time, I'd go to college, get a degree

Find myself a big boy job

Then pack up my bindle and hop a train car back to Boston

To regale this creature with my credentials and claim her as my wife

So that's what I did

And when I reached the aquarium, I met the man at the front desk

And I said to him, "Take me to the jellyfish"

And he said, in between chews of his gum

Between blows of his bubble

He said with a slack jaw, "Oh, sorry. We don't have those anymore."

I said, "What? How could you not have any?"

"Well, they all died, and we haven't gotten another shipment yet, I don't know."

I had no choice but to sling up my bindle and hop that train car back home

Once there, I collapsed onto Uncle Len and Aunt Marcy's bed

And when they awoke, they asked me what was wrong, but I told them "Nothing"

And to go back to sleep

In truth, so much was wrong

I had made a decade-long commitment to celibacy for this organism and now I couldn't see her again

But that's when I looked up to the ceiling

To the glow-in-the-dark stars Len had glued there just weeks before

And I thought, no, I knew

She couldn't be dead

She was boneless

Brainless

And I could almost see right through her

She was the perfect mate, and nothing perfect ever dies

You know, then

As the flaccid light from those pale plastic stars lulled me into my own quaint slumber

I felt armed with the confidence to answer the next day's, the next year's, the next lifetime's questions

Which were

"Do jellyfish go to Heaven?"

Followed closely by

"Is there a Heaven?"

Well, I don't quite know

Give your mind to me

Every day just drags on

Every day, the same song

If your life's to be like this

Surely life is too long

Here's a novel concept

Just a small idea, son

Lay your heavy burden at my feet and

Give your mind to me

I'll replace the sunshine when there is a ceiling

I'll replace your passion with complacent feelings

Open up your coffers, I'll fill them with fool's gold

Don't disturb my mandate to command and control

Some words are better left unsaid

You keep your crimes inside your head

I'm the projector, I am the screen

I will deliver you a dream

So just let go of all your thoughts

And please turn all resistance off

I'll be your space and I'll be your time

We'll turn all your thoughts to crimes

Gonna lob a grenade your way

'Cause when I drop bombs I don't like to look you in the face

And that's the game that we always play

So, baby, don't complain about the meal that you find on your plate

You've got your convictions

And I've got my opinions

You've got your religion

And I've got my cynicism

Gonna lob a grenade your way

'Cause when I drop bombs I don't like to look you in the face

And that's the game that we always play

So, baby, don't complain about the meal that you find on your plate

You've got your news sources

And I've got my thesaurus

And we rage like Tyrannosaurus

And we spook like deer in the forest

Gonna lob a grenade your way

'Cause when I drop bombs I don't like to look you in the face

And that's the game that we always play

So, baby, don't complain about the meal that you find on your plate

About the meal that you find on your plate

Sitting in the car while it rains

I am drinking from a lava lamp

Dreaming of murdering your friends

With the calm of a—

Boogeyman’s got his things in boxes on the porch

He’s found another client and he’s headed up north

You go where the work goes

They turned our favorite lot into a diner

We always thought the location was ideal

I lay my head down on the wheel

All while

Good and evil have makeup sex in the hall

Without you I’m a little less angry

But I won’t forget it, no

I don’t forget anything

I’ve got an excellent memory

Good and evil have makeup sex in the hall

Without you I’m a little less angry

But you don’t regret it, no

You don’t regret anything

You don’t

Gray Ledge has really earned its name

And well, I walk it like a vagabond

Until it becomes another place

That I don’t care about

Moving in, got my things in boxes on the porch

I’ll try to close the circle if you cut me off short

This is the triumph of the real

Meanwhile

Good and evil have makeup sex in the hall

Without you I’m a little less angry

But I won’t forget it, no

I don’t forget anything

I’ve got an excellent memory

Sounds primeval but they’re writhing up on the wall

The infinite and infinitesimal

And I might forget it, but

I don’t regret anything

I don’t

Nothing is static now

Grief is a staircase

There is no zero

Evil comes first

Nothing is static now

Grief is a staircase

There is no zero

Evil comes first

So we play a little game now
Never wonder where the rules came from
And we throw our little dice down
But the dealer's already won

They've been telling me to get with the program
Since I was a child
They scream and they shout
I just can't believe these people content to live like sheep
Following the crowd

They say, "Gotta play the game to win it"
But I'd rather just walk away
They say, "Gotta play the game to win it"
But I'd rather just walk away

They've been telling me to get with the program
Since I was a child
They scream and they shout
I just can't believe these people content to live like sheep
Following the crowd

I'mma set a fire deep inside the jail
Never mind the bail
This is an escape
I'mma set a fire, burn this prison down
Burn it to the ground
Today

And I don't care if everyone believes it
Don't make it true
Don't make it true

Honey, your heart is a hurricane
Nothing but chaos and wind and rain
From the outside looking in
Honey, your soul is a cellar door
Secret and safe as the ocean floor
If you'd just go deeper in

Got a piece of advice if you want it
Don't listen anything Babylon says
Stay focused, little one, because you're wanted
By the undead
The world you're running through is a gauntlet
The house you're living in is haunted
So pick your head up and be honest with yourself
With yourself

Standing by a pool that was made by a dam
You gaze into your reflection and ask,
"How in the Western world could I ever know who I am?"

Honey, your heart is a hurricane
Nothing but chaos and wind and rain
From the outside looking in
Honey, your soul is a cellar door
Secret and safe as the ocean floor
If you'd just go deeper in

There's a time and a place for theatrics
And I'm not talking about rabbit-in-the-hat tricks
Free your mind before they come to extract it
From your head
The world you're running through is a gauntlet
The house you're living in is haunted
So pick your head up and be honest with yourself
With yourself

Standing by a pool that was made by a dam
You gaze into your reflection and ask,
"How in the Western world could I ever know who I am?"

Some summer somewhere
A flock of schoolkids forms around a flagpole in prayer
Thinking about their rights
Asking that their god make them a pretty prom night
That doesn't stop the wasp's assault
Swoops down onto the shoulder of some unsuspecting psalm
Singing, "I belong here, too!"
Leaves his stinger there and flies from the invisible pew

And in the courtyard out back
Custodians duck out with their cigarettes
Small talk about their trucks and their president
A healthy "I don't give a fuck" as the yellowjacket
Swoops down to meet the boot of the Janitor King
Who stands unflinching and says

"They're all freaks with wings
That's all they are
Those little things don't scare me off
I've got a sting to show you all
It's called 'living under the law"

My own summer nightmare
With June descending like a hornet on some pheromone tear
Thinking every night
Of all the times my mother told me it'll be alright
That doesn't stop July's assault
Crawls out from underneath the heel with very strange aplomb
So steady as she goes
But in my stupor, I'd have told you then that time didn't know

Outside the room where you died
They asked what you were like and I might've cried
Some sister grabbed my hand, and with beady eyes
Set her gaze upon my skull, and she proselytized
Saying, "God protects our dead" and though the thought was nice
If I saw an angel, I'd think

They're all freaks with wings
That's all they are
Such pretty things won't get you far
And yet on high, they sing, to send you off
Or so the children pray under the cloth

Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

I thought it all came to a cross
But it turned into a circle
When I started using green
With a touch of orange and purple
Like sunset over mountains
With a forest in the distance
It lowered my defenses
Dissipated my resistance

Zero's the inhale, one is the ex
Do you think we come from intelligence?
A formlessness took a nice deep breath
Then exhaled into us, now it all makes sense

Zero's the inhale, one is the ex
Do you think we come from intelligence?
Zeros and ones, yeah, zeros and ones
This universe is a pair of lungs

I thought it all came to a cross but it turned into a circle

When I started using green with a touch of orange and purple

Like sunset over rock mountains with a forest in the distance

It dissipated my resistance to truth, to flow

To what I've always known in the recess of my soul

In the darkness where I grow

And so I let go of the burden I'd been bearing

Of the mask that I'd been wearing

It was such a heavy load

To judge a thing on quality alone is a delusion

Whether right or wrong, good or evil can't ever be proven

You can point your finger, scream and shout

And stay lost in the illusion

Or sit quietly, watch your thoughts and feel the mountains moving

This meditation is a blessing and provision

To help us see beyond the falsehood of division

And so the universe bestowed on us a vision

Of a lung filled up to zero, turned to one in exhalation

So here I sit and contemplate the might of this existence

While something in me tries to qualify the world with such insistence

Some say that all is nothing, some say that all is one

Who speaks the truth? I seek the truth in everyone

Within these bodies we must seek a clearer view

If you zoom out far enough the galaxy's a molecule

And if we look within ourselves, we're given yet another clue

This expansion and contraction is a microcosm too

You are the perfect self and yet you don't know what to do

You seek a thousand goals and know not which one to pursue

But don't forget that every river found the ocean blue

I wonder on the way if every drop of water knew

Your mind's stuck in a loop and is just endlessly repeating

The fog you think you're stuck in is just something you're perceiving

The wisdom of this world I can no longer find relief in

The teachings of my wordless breath are all I can believe in

Prepare to Apologize

The Truth Doesn't Live Here

Time Trials